Request:

I am not sure if you got the email so just to be sure I thought I would mention it on here as well. Could you bring that form back tomorrow? I will bring an extra envelope just in case you do not have any at your apartment, but I am pretty sure it needs to be sealed in one and signed on top of the seal. Did I write my name and ut eid on top of the form? I cannot remember and if I did not we can just fold it over tommorrow and I will get that done. Thanks again for taking the time to do this for me!

Good Form:

It's time to be blunt.

I'm nineteen years old, true, and I'm not really sure where my life is headed, and not so long ago I had a friend whom I loved very much.

Almost everything I am today is invented.

But it's not a game. It's a form. Right here, now, as I invent myself, I'm thinking of all I want to tell you about why I loved her the way I did. For instance, I want to tell you this: she was everything I wanted to have in life and everything I hoped to become. There is nothing I would not have done for her. I needed her like she needed God. When we were together, I felt complete and cared for as I have at no other time in my life. She was never really mine, but I still felt that she was obligated to me through some unspoken degree of providence and that fate would drive us together. Destiny pulled a trick on me however in a situation I could have never foreseen and drove us apart. But I will not let him win! I tried and will forever continue to attempt to conquer fate. Her leaving me was partially my fault, you see, and for that I will never forgive myself. I remember the things I said after what I viewed as her betrayal, terrible things to tell anyone let alone the one you claim to love, and these things are guilt enough for me to be filled with sorrow at my own disloyalty. I remember that I loved her; I just don't remember exactly why. I blamed her. And wrongly so, because I myself was capable of even greater betrayal.

But listen. Even that story is made up.

I want you to feel what I felt. I want you to know why feeling-truth is truer sometimes than happening truth.

Here is the happening-truth. I once had a friend. She dated and had sex with a boy two weeks after meeting him. There were many points she would not reveal to me, but I never quit trying to understand. It was a simple, factual occurrence which honestly, even if she had revealed all to me, I never would have understood because I did not believe myself capable of understanding and honestly did not want to. And now, more than eight months later, I still cannot move forward and I'm left with hate for the one person I once loved the most and filled with despair at having lost her completely.

Here is the feeling-truth. She was a perfect, innocent angel whom I loved with all my heart and never would have thought capable of any wrongdoing. After two years of being together (in spirit) as I saw it, I decided to on Valentine's evening reveal to her all that had been penned inside me so very long. How little could I have imagined that that very evening my world and entire reality would be flipped upside down. Instead of the perfect night I'd envisioned, it was awkward. She had been acting different for a while and I knew it but all I could think was that she was distant this evening because she knew how I felt and would never care for me as I did for her. Again I could not have been more wrong. I was never even a thought on her mind. That same night that was to have been the start of the rest of our lives together (a fairy-tale romance with a Disney happily ever after ending), she told me about a series of events she had just been through. No, not even that, just one surprising horror that stabbed me through the heart and broke any groundings I had on reality. My angel had secretly dated a Mexican behind my back, as I perceived it, and after only two weeks of being together, she let him fuck her. He'd wanted it for a while. Even that night, she says she said no... but what could have been more simple than just leaving the bastard and going home? He went to the community college and didn't even live in our town. After the sex, they talked for about twenty minutes. I don't know what about. He then asked her to write an English paper for his class the next day. When she wouldn't but offered to help, I think he still insisted that she write it. At this point she left the house, crying in her Camaro to a friend via phone that clearly she cared for more than me. This friend lives in another town as well. She never realized that the one person who cared for her the most, the one person that would have always been there for her and seen her through any situation had she only sought his advice, was right beside her the entire time. Many of these events are puzzle pieces thrust into a collage which just does not fit. Like I said, she never fully opened up to me. My angel died to me that Valentine's day and along with her demise came a void in my heart which can never again be filled.

What happening truth can do, I guess, is make things simple.

I can look at things at face value. I can delve no deeper into fact and in doing so find happiness. Unfortunately, this is not how I have chosen to or am capable of living my life. I choose sorrow and grief over contentment. I lounge in the past and don't move forward. The feeling-truth is more real to me than life's tragic but factual events. I cannot believe the cruelty and horror of the world. I fill myself with activities just so that I might occupy time and move myself as rapidly toward death as possible. For I no longer find any real happiness with existence, no matter how much I feign well-being. She abandoned me and the truth is that which I cannot face. I long to find a way to see her as the same innocent and perfect creature that I did before, but this is a truth which neither she, myself, or God seem willing to give me. All my happiness, dreams, and goals for the future are gone. I had filled my mind with thoughts only of her and she was to be my sole purpose in life. With that purpose gone, I can now only hope that some unseen force will thrust itself into my life and give me a new one. For now, however, I am surrounded only by gloom. It would take more than a miracle to save us.

"Severin, tell the truth," people may say, "was your friend a hypocritical whore?" And I can say, honestly, "Of course!"

Or I can give the feeling-truth, which I so desire to have, and say, honestly, "No."

(Sorry this had nothing to do with Vietnam Mr. P., but I went through my own war, and much like the veterans have stilled not fully emerged from it)

Mid-term Exam:

1) Thus far, I have learned much more about the Vietnam War. I was never very knowledgable about this deeply troubling and extremely reflective war given our current situation in Iraq. I am able to understand the motives behind the various countries and individuals involved in making the Vietnam War possible, however varied those reasons may be. I am learning that not everything in life has a definite answer or fact that can be attributed to it but this is a truth I am not yet willing to accept. Some things I simply must know the answer to or find a truth which is satisfying to my own mind.

2) I feel quite well rounded in our learning experience. We seem to get a little bit of everything in this class. The film texts were getting a little monotonous, but Hearts and Minds was a welcome reprieve. I guess I would like to see more texts directly from the Vietnam or even Vietcong perspective. Maybe a war momento translated would be a nice addition.

3) As I said above, I am struggling with the fact that perhaps the Vietnam War can never be fully understood. I have an insatiable desire to know and understand all things. Vietnam presents me with an additional mental conflict that is not readily solvable.

I want to be a better writer as well. I am at an acceptable level as it is but am not entirely sure that I am progressing further. I have made better grades on my R.A.s progressively, but I still wonder if my writing has actually improved. In some cases, I have just provided better arguements or evidence to back up my statements and this seemed to do the trick.

4) The class could be improved by having an actual veteran come and speak to us. Hearts and Minds was incredible but having the physical man in our presence would be even more so. It would be even more amazing if we had two veterans speak to us at different times, one with an oppository viewpoint. Although not readily advisable, how about a veteran debate?

5) The least useful text was Full Metal Jack simply because it depicted horrific events in a thoroughly humorous manner. Because of this, I was unable (and I predict others as well) to take the material seriously enough to give it any credence.

The most useful text was The Things They Carried because it provided an insider's glimpse into the war and brought into our minds the most provocative questions during discussion section.

6) My favorite text was Full Metal Jacket just because of my sheer enjoyment. Some of the gruesome moments were quite shocking, but I leave the film in my mind with a generally pleasant memory. I wouldn't take a girlfriend to any of the other films.

My Peformance:
1) I have blogged consistently. My blogs usually do reflect topics we have been discussing and are as insightful as possible. On the community blog, I try to relate them to other's posts and include questions of my own which others may or may not respond to.

2) I always participate in discussions. I try not to say things unless they are of importance or would lead to a response by others. I have never been shy so talking in class just comes pretty naturally to me.

3) My R.A.s are alright. I have gotten better at developing arguements but still need to work on style and approach. I fall into the case where rather than really thinking too much beforehand, I begin typing away and at the end see what has magicly manifested itself onto the page.

4) B+... I make sure to do everything that is required of me. There is still plenty of room for improvement however. I want to make blog posts of greater meaning, rather than just doing them to fulfill that weeks agenda. My R.A.s are decent enough, but need more thought.

5) My project is coming along nicely. I have begun aquiring and printing certain documents and images which will prove pertinent to my project. As it stands, I will be putting together items into a portfolio/album/journal. These objects will not truly tie together in any way but will be categorized into sections and certainly all pertain to the Vietnam War in one way or another. This album will reflect the disjointed nature of the war itself. I will label most if not all of the objects with a specific tone word that I feel best reflects the nature of the text/image. This will allow the viewer to pick up on the meaning of what he sees even if only glimpsed quickly. The text/image will relate to a concept and he will lock that somewhere in his mind. I would also like to include a certain element of childhood. I do not know how that will be done yet. I am thinking of having a girl look through the project as if it were her deceased father's scrapbook and reflecting her sad thoughts onto that book as she goes along.

Of Note:

I will not be posting an official personal blog before class this Tuesday. I plan to write a brief story type thing styled after O'Brien's chapter on his view of truth in relation to my own life. I will simply write two posts prior to Thursday's class.
Truthfully,
S.W.

Basic Response:

Do you agree that in writing The Things They Carried Obrien's intent was noble? I believe you would. O'Brien was promoting veteran awareness and encouraging people to consider the atrocities veterans may have gone through during their tour of duty, and yet he openly acknowledged that everything he wrote about was made up, fictionalized, and a lie! I use this as an example for why a person's motivations can be noble, even if they are mistaken in what they say, or in O'Brien's case lie deliberately. While I do not promote it and would not resort to such measure myself, I can with an open mind see how such a circumstance is possible and under certain conditions a viable option over telling the truth.

Does this accurately defend and back-up my initial statement?

In regards to the project, I was thinking on a central theme to tie everything together. I thought maybe it could be from the perspective of a child looking back through his father's things or things pertaining to Vietnam in general and how he might react. I was thinking of possibly categorizing everything under unique tone words to reflect the diverse reactions to Vietnam. Do you like either of these ideas? Do you think this can be done and I am leading it in the right direction? If I could finish in the next several weeks or at least right after Thanksgiving, would you mind giving it a look over before I were to officially turn it in? Thanks and I did not mean to sound defensive earlier, just looking for a way to defend my claims.

If the person speaking's motivation is noble, could they still possibly be mistaken in what they say?

Depends on your definition of "noble" now doesn't it? Think about this one.

Conflict vs. War:

I looked up the official definitions of the two and yet am still having trouble coming to any clear distinction between them. They both seem to involve a prolonged period of violence between two or more parties. I always considered a conflict to be the less severe, but under the guidelines of sheer definitions this does not seem to be the case and certainly not within the context of Vietnam.

I think the fault does not lie upon the person giving the "facts," so long as that is what the person truly believes. The fault lies in those who accept the words of the individual within a position of power and do not look beyond the face value. If the person speaking's motivation is noble, could they still possibly be mistaken in what they say? What are the exact motives behind what that person is telling us and could they have anything to gain by concealing the actual truth?

I was willing to address the issue with Major Catazaro because I was curious what her exact beliefs on the matter were. After having had the discussion, I do not view her as being at fault. I did what I could for my own benefit of knowledge, but was afraid to raise the issue until class was over. I did not want to upset or embarrass my professor.

Those who rule us, in any context, tend to rule with a certain element of fear. If we oppose the government, will we be labeled as anarchists? Communists? What sort of reprisals might we face if we question anything we are told? Because of this fear, society as a whole tends to bow down to the ideology of those in power and not contradict important or viable issues that clearly need addressing. Until we learn to overcome this domination by fear, all mankind will be the worse for it and lay down in submission.